A lot has changed; a lot keeps changing, and a lot more is out of my control. I've indulged in things that go against our principals, I’ve indulged in people that go against our principals, I’ve indulged in emotions and thoughts that were once never even a part of our character, and the mouldy cherry on top of this very rotten pile of a cake filled with fermenting fruit is that I have indulged in a new personality.
I'm having doubts about exactly how "new" this personality is because it seems to be that I have only just recycled every bad thought I’ve ever had and allowed it to surface, manifest and take on a whole new life of its own to become this character that is sat by her laptop typing this.
I can't help but wonder what you must be thinking of me. Are you disappointed? Are you proud? Would you even be happy? Or are you still scared?
September 2007.
I’m sat here writing this because it haunts me. Not even like a shadow, at least a shadow is quiet. You scream, yell, cry, scream some more, hit, punch and scream even more. Sometimes it’s not even in my head, I feel you scratching at my ribs, my heart and my throat to get me to admit it. If I say what you want me to say and if I hear what you want me to hear then I’m scared of where it will lead me. Silencing you is eating at me and if you haven't noticed...who you were is now just a character doused in acid. Slowly, but surely you will erode and dissolve and take me down with you because with or without you I’ll burn.
I have so much to lose that I’m paralysed, but I only became this way because YOU had so much to lose. You could have said "no". Instead you said "yes" and chased after a fantasy that shattered your lace coated life and clipped those angelic wings that were once nailed to you when your red horns began to grow, your true revolting colours began to show and the devil inside became the devil on the surface.
It's my turn now to say "yes" to all the things you once refused.
I didn't become this way, so before you begin to pity me or think me weak just remember that I was born this way. Mum used to buy our shoes a size too big so that we could grow into them and wear them for another year. Like those shoes, who I am now was too big for you; you've grown into it because you’re stronger now, you have become me. So don’t ever forget, my catastrophic mistakes now are only the offspring of the disaster you caused.
You are my cancer.
Yours Sincerestly
Ceren.
